As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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