census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
