Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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