hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
