I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
