toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
