tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize