I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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