remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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