The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
