Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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