Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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