i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Randomize
