My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
