i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize