I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
