He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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