So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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