she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
