Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
