Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
