Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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