feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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