Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize