No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
