So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
