On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
