Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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