I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
