FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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