party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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