I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
