Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
