why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
