I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
