So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
