I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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