i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
