you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
