i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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