nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Houston, we have a blender
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
