Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
