my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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