My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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