I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
