She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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