if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
