i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
