May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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