I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
