I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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