these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Pants are for mortals
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize