I'm really into asian looking animals
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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