Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
