my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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