So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
