shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
