woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
