When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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