Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
